Since I started this blog just for me I feel like I need to be more honest. Make it more me. Sure all of the post have been fun stuff that I have enjoyed while here at college,but I have failed to mentions the parts that really make me stronger.
My life have been in an extreme uphill run for me. My emotions have just been thrown at me. I don't know what wrong with me. As much as I love college. I hate it. I miss how my life use to be. I feel like my friends are gone. The one that I want to keep my friend forever is slowing falling away. I know it is not good make assumptions about situations that I fully don't know. I just feel like every time I talk to her she doesn't want to talk to me. I just feel weird.
I sometimes hate who I am. I a shy, nervous and awkward girl. I wish I could be anyone I wanted myself be with out being frightened or flat out scared. I wish I was good at making friends. I wish peopled wanted to be my friends.I wish I had that personality that when I walk in a room the mood of the room shifts. I don't though. I walk into a room and sit in silence hoping someone will come and talk to me. I hear stories of people on campus who have so much fun with so many people. I don't I sit at home feeling sorry for myself.
I am so grateful for being where I am. I need to be here. I don't want to be but I am here.
I know in life we can change they way we act and how we feel. For the most part I am good at keeping a great and happy attitude but after awhile it gets draining. I break down. I am breaking down now. I can't help it. I hate being weak. I hate feeling the way I am feeling. I hate the way I am acting. From this point on I am just going to be me.
I thought I knew who I was, but now I am starting to wonder. Who I am really? I am the person I want to be? I think I am. I have qualities that I wanted and I developed them and I was blessed with many. I just feel like I can be so much more. How do I do that? That I just don't know.
That is going to be a journey for me. Most likely a really long journey. I am lost... but somehow I will find myself again.
I don't remember what I wrote and I am not going to go back and read it. I just hope I have no regrets of what was just said. I don't think I will. I hope I will read back at a later date and see how I have grown.
Today I am missing tanner, so much. I cry for him. Today who have been his 1 yr mark, but instead it is his 4 month mark. In tanners letter this week he wrote:
time goes by so fast! Can't believe Christmas is almost here, Christmas will be my 6 month mark! whats funny is tomorrow should be my year mark. Things don't always go according to plan or the way we think they should go, But i suppose it will always work out in the end.It always has so far in my past don't see how this would be any different.
I miss him. I wish he was here. There a a few thing I want to do before he gets home.
1. Fill up the change jar for him.
2. Not get married. ( I want him at my wedding)
3. Write piano music for one of his songs.
4. Don't do anything that will make him disappointed in me.
Look at this! I miss this!
I wish he was here
I need one of his hugs
For right now there is nothing I can do. I know I am making this worst but dwelling on them, but sometimes I think it is perfectly fine.We all need a little sadness in our life. If we didn't we wouldn't fully love the happy times in our life.
My best friend sent me this quote " God does notice us& he watches over us, but if is usually through another person that he meets our needs." Spencer W Kimball
I really believe this. I have seen it. Right I am praying for this. I need this.
